Relationships without conflict do not exist. If the balance in a relationship between negative and positive contact tips over to the negative then it can make life very difficult. It is especially important for conflicts to be resolved or for couples to reach a compromise.
What are you arguing about?
If there is a lot of negativity in the relationship, it is important to look at what one is really up against. It is important that the way of arguing needs clear boundaries. Make agreements about that. Possible boundaries might include: are there certain things you don't say to each other; don't argue in front of the baby; never use physical force; don't swear; if one or both partners remain angry, they can take a time out.
Young parents argue 8 times more than couples without children.
Parents often argue out of concern for the child. One parent has a different approach than the other. To correct the "hard" (or "soft") approach of the other parent, the child is spoiled or handled harshly. One parent thinks it is okay to let the child cry for a while and the other protects the child and gets him/her out of bed right away. One parent withdraws and goes to work more, or is very active besides work. This may be an attempt to save the marriage. As children get older, one parent may accept support from one child at the expense of the other parent. Or both parents seek support from one child and a child must take sides. Or one of the parents leaves.
According to psychologist Sue Johnson, relationships do not follow a simple pattern of cause and effect. So a statement like "Because Kees doesn't do anything, we always fight," is not true. Partners create circles together. Vicious circles. They drag each other into them. This can be a spiral of negative contact or of connection.
It is important that you talk together about the need that lies beneath the fight. If you make sure both needs are met then the fight is not necessary. It is the misaligned needs that keep partners stuck in the circle. In this sense, they are both right because they are not getting what they need. If couples find a good middle ground, a good dosage, they can get out of the circle. If they can't figure it out together, there's no harm in going to therapy.
Would you also like to learn to have healthy arguments? This is one of the topics in Parents Inc.'s online parenting course.