Okay. First, there is NOTHING wrong with arguing. Second, healthy arguing is actually very simple. But it is difficult. What's the trick? Drumroll.... pause at the heat of the moment or forge the iron when it' scold (true. other than the well-known proverb). What makes that so difficult? In an argument, you are often convincing your partner why his/her behavior is over the line. Defer to convince the other person.
Insert a time out.
The body takes a while to recover from a flight-fight reaction. In some people, this takes a day. Others need more time. A few are fine again after half an hour. Many people get signals in their bodies before they go into a fight-flight reaction. They feel it in the belly or in the difference in the exhalation. Harsh and violent swear words come shooting up in their minds. If we can learn how to calm ourselves down again, we have the biggest win. Then we can discuss the problem in the here and now in a calm manner. Ways to find distractions include writing down pleasant thoughts such as: my partner is generally nice; walking around; watching TV; playing or listening to music; meditating; yoga or meditation. Whatever works.
Other good and healthy arguing strategies are:
Compromise: To get out of a predicament, it is important to communicate calmly. Both partners must recognize and share the root of the problem for themselves. Then they must report what they need and NOT what they lack. The Gottmans (well-known scientists) call it bridge-building.
Reparation: doing something that restores communication. Couples who successfully manage their conflicts make sure they send and accept many such restorative messages to each other. So when your initial comment doesn't come out right, try to change course in a timely manner. Of course, the best recovery is as simple as, "Sorry! Shall we start over.'
Talking it out: this is an effective tool. Many times arguments are parked and not talked about again until the next argument arises. This is often done out of fear, if it is talked about again it can lead to arguments. The Gottmans indicate that it is important to talk about why the quarrel arose.
- Feeling: state what feeling the argument gave you. Do not immediately start discussing whether it is justified.
- Viewpoint: validate how the other person views the argument.
- Admit your role: state that you yourself are not an angel and what your role may be in causing the tension and argument.
- Take away the insights: make sure you take each other's sensitivities into account. That the next time you find yourself in this situation, at least one of you won't put up a fight.
In the online Parents Inc. course, parents will help each other increase family happiness.