Healthy arguing? How do you do it?

Almost every couple argues more when they have a child. In fact, couples with children argue as much as 8 times more than couples without children! That might take some getting used to if you never argued before. By the way, it is quite understandable, you are both tired because of the lack of sleep, a different (forced) rhythm, a lot of extra work has to be done. You feel like you are getting an extra job. The good news is that this mainly happens in the first years, which is why they are called the tropical years. So it happens to everyone, you just have to find a mode together.

Arguing is not necessarily a bad thing.

It is nice to talk things out, it clears the air sometimes and afterwards you can make up again. But then you must be able to / learn to argue in the right way. With respect for each other, let each other speak and listen. And put yourself in the other person's shoes or take a critical look at yourself. That sounds quite simple, but often it is not.

Arguing and theory.

Lack of sleep affects your psychological processes that in turn affect your relationships. But in addition, there are other interesting purely psychological principles and processes that influence our arguments.

This is called confirmation bias. What?

This is what psychologists call a fallacy. It is a psychological phenomenon that makes us select information (coupled with observations) that confirm our preconceived ideas about someone (our partner). For example, it can be compared to the Facebook algorithm that selects for you the political views you believe in. And every time you read a story your ideas are confirmed. While this is not real. You only see a part, or see what you want to see.

It is no different that way between partners.

You form thoughts about each other at some point. Those thoughts are often about the areas of tension that exist between you. Every couple has a field of tension. This tension field is based on a fundamental difference between you and your partner. This difference initially makes you feel attracted to your partner, this difference fills you up a bit as a human being, but at the same time such a difference can also become an irritation point.

Differences become irritants.

Often this is the case. An example of this kind of difference is, for example, that your partner is more emotional and you are more rational. At first, of course, this is very nice. Those emotions of your partner color your life, make it a little less boring, they get you out of your head. You also learn from them, you learn to name more emotions, for example. But at some point in your relationship you also start to get irritated. You start saying to yourself or in arguments to your partner: you're always so emotional too. Then, as the confirmation bias dictates, you may start seeing signs everywhere that your partner is too emotional. In your head, you think, or even name out loud, "now look, respond more calmly. So you can create a whole story in your head about your partner and his or her emotionality, and this story seems to become more and more real. In reality, your partner is the same. You are the one who is changing. Your thoughts are radicalizing. It is interesting to check with yourself to what extent this is the case with you. What are ideas about your partner that irritate you palpably. Examine whether this is true.

Learn healthy arguing with Parents Inc!

Parents Inc. will use the course to explore what those big differences between you are. And Parents Inc. tries to give you the tools to adjust these magnified ideas. Especially during periods of stress, confirmation bias triumphs. Oh yes ... everyone does this! A nice relatable fact, though. So this is human. But if you are aware of it, it saves half the battle.

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